love at first sight

It was almost 8 years ago, Me and my girl were walking around the county fair. Thats when i learned that love at first is real, very real. I was 13 years old shy and insecure. I had never just gone up and started talking to a boy in my life, but that was all about to change. The second i layed eyes on him I wanted him so bad. I had butterflies my cheeks were flushed I remember being so nervous i was shaking. What I actually said that night is all a blur, but as terrified as I was I knew I had to get his attention. So I faced my fear and shaking and freaking out on the inside I somehow found the courage to go talk to him. I dont remember what was said, but i gave him my number, of course expecting him to brush it off and never call. But he did call. I'm not sure how many times we actually hung out or how often we talked, but there are two occasions that stood out to me that I won't ever forget. The first time we hung out we met up at the mall. It was me and my girl and him. We all went and sat on this hill right outside the mall me and him playfully cuddled and we all just goofed off together and had a good time, at that point it was the best day of my life. Then my 14th birthday came around, he called me and we wanted to hang out. I begged my parents to take me to his moms house. They kept saying no, I was so upset I remember throwing the biggest fit, being the spoiled little child i was they eventually gave in. So my parents drove me and my girl over to his place. I was ecstatic. I won't ever forget that night as long as I live. We all in his room watching Jay and Silent Bob, thats when it happend, He kissed me. As much as i wish i could say it was so romantic and there were fireworks going off, that wasn't the case. I mean the kiss was great and everything, but being my first kiss i was nervous and akward. I just remember the thought going through my head like "OMG WHAT IF IM DOING IT WRONG" so after about 10 seconds i pulled away. I liked him sooo much, but just like almost all first crushes. It ended. He lived about 45 minutes away to begin with, then he left for job corps, and we just sort of lost touch. I was crushed at the time. I dont think i completely forgot about him for probably a year or two after that, but I eventually moved on fell for other boys, lost my virginity, got my first real boyfriend all that fun stuff. Ok now fast forward about 7 years I went from being engaged to my fiance dissapearing on me, then letting me find out through facebook he left me for someone else. I was devistated. It had been 5 months since he left, I went back on this one dating site I had been on a few years back, wasnt really having to much luck on there though, felt as if i had already met everyone on there that id be intrested i meeting, so i deleted it. There was one guy i hadnt met yet that i ad already given my number to. I didnt really pay him much attention though, I was just ready to give up not taking anything to seriously. I believe it was a thursday and he texted me. He wanted me to come over, I was hesitant, I was kinda bored but i wasnt sure that i really wanted to make the 45 minute drive to go see some guy that would probably just be lame like all the rest, but something subconciously in the back of my mind just said go. So on a spur of the moment whim i jumped in my car typed the adress into my GPS and i was on my way. As i got closer i was getting nervous and i was second guessing myself on if i should go or not, but i figured i was almost there so there was no turning back now. I pulled up and i kept stalling just sitting in my car pretending to look for my ciarettes. Then after about minutes of stalling and procrastination i took a deep breath and approached the door of the apartment complex and the buzzer went off so i took one last deep breath and started up the stair. He opened the door and I did a double take I hadn't even begun to start putting the peices together yet at this point, but i asked him "Wait, why do you look so familiar???" He replied "I don't know is that a bad thing?" I said "No" then thats when it started to hit me I said "I used to know a guy with the same name that lived in this same town" He said "Oh ya? Where'd he live" I responded "In the trailer park" Then that's when the puzzle went from being in pieces to making a complete picture. He replied "You went up to him at a fair, huh?" My jaw dropped almost to the ground all i could say was "Oh my God, Oh my god, NO WAY" My heart was racing I had butterflies and my thoughts were just racing 100 miles per hour. I was in complete shock I could not believe i was standing in front of the first guy id ever kissed, the first guy id ever cared about. It was so unreal.
It was the first time I had been truly happy that my ex had left me. It felt so amazing to be in his arms. And when he kissed me this time, I didn't pull away. I don't know what will become of  us, but even if we never end up together I don't think i will ever feel about someone exactly the way i feel about him. whether it is meant to be or not meant to be, I believe in love at first sight <3

unprepared

When i got pregnant at 17 years old i could not even comprehend the challenges i would face I was so busy researching trying to learn to take care of a new born, that i completely forgot to start learning how to deal with a toddler , then a 4 year old,5,6,7, etc...Now i have found myself 2 weeks from my 22nd birthday with this feisty, loud mouthed, amazing, and hilarious little boy who teaches me something new everyday. I love him with all my heart he is what keeps me going, but this job ive been given as a mother its hard and its scary, when i was younger in my teens i used to say "its hard and scary" from a selfish perspective as in its hard because i lose my freedom and scary cause i have to grow up, but honestly i dont feel that way anymore its hard because i want to raise him right and who is to say which way is right?, and its scary because I am terrified of letting that little boy down. Its my job to love him, protect him, teach him right and wrong, make him laugh and smile, make him better when he is sick, but what if i fail???  So everyday it feels like i have to make a new big decision about what is right or wrong or good or bad for this little angel i have been blessed with. Yesterday i was faced with the hardest one yet...How to discipline??? All i know is spanking is out!!!

questions left unanswered

So as i sit here smoking my cigarette, i keep wondering am i completely crazy? Did i completely imagin that there was ever anything beetween me and him? i constantly type him a text then just erase it without sending it because nothing phases him, and i just want to kno the words to say to make him show some type of emotion...anything anger, sadness, true happiness just something. i think to myself is he crazy, or am I? Do I really have real feelings for him, or am i just in love with being unloved? I constantly ponder the thought of "is something wrong with me, or do i choose the wrong guys?" And do i just attract the wrong guys or do i pick them on purpose? I am just fed up of having so many questions, and noone has the respect to give me not one answer. I dont know how I feel anymore i cant tell if im happy or sad but i feel something, far from numbness. I feel so much raw emotion and deep thought pouring out of me, through a paintbrush, through these words i am typing right now, but it just keeps coming out with no end in sight, maybe i have just buried these feelings of insecurity for so long I have alot of catching up to do...well this is a start atleast from this moment on when noones around to listen or care i can talk to this page...im tired and i should take my meds then maybe i wont feel so dark and over analytical...yup thats my conclusion for now :)